Leanna's Winding Path

19 May 2011 - Let your body be free and your spirit be calm.

These last two months have been sort of a roller coaster for me.  I’ve been feeling up and down and all around since I canceled my cyberknife treatment.  I have my follow up scan next week…the one for my head.  I’ll get the results late next week.  I hope that all previous spots are just getting smaller and smaller. 

I have been running smack dab into into fear, depression, and self loathing depending on the day.  The worst are the days where I’m having trouble getting out of my chair.  Fear because the weakness that I perceive can be pretty scary.  Depression because usually I feel alone.  I have an amazing group of people who care about me, but it is nearly impossible for me to see or hear from any of them regularly.  Self loathing because I don’t recognize myself anymore in this radically changed body.  Who is that girl?  My doctor was very sweet though; she volunteered that it really was because of the long-term use of the medicine.  The mirror doesn’t know how to tell that story though.

I’m not trying to be “big bummer leanna” but I need to get this stuff out.  It feels like if I let it out, don’t keep it all bottled in, then it won’t keep me its prisoner.  What I want is to just get this stuff off of my chest, become present in this moment, and be ever so grateful for what I have.  That the loving space where my heart lives most of the time.  But I don’t think I should stifle my shadow - those parts of myself that are not so pleasant.  I shouldn’t chastise myself when I feel down.  Love it or not, it is part of who I am, no matter how small that part may be.  If I can love and nurture myself through those feelings then I will have gone a long way towards healing.

I have really good days too, like working with Herb in the garden and working with him in general.  Like my Reiki Day!  Like all of my acupuncture treatments.  Like enrolling in and contemplating an amazing nutrition school.  Like thinking about my dreams to open a wellness practice to people.  Like my occasional walks.  Like listening to good music.

I’ve also recently become aware of how much I care about feeding Herb and I well.  I think I may be spending a bit too much time in the kitchen or with my mind on food.  Granted, taking a nutrition program probably isn’t going to prevent this, but I guess I’ll at least be doing something I enjoy!  Studying.  Learning about health.  Learning about food.  I do that now, but much less structured.  I just need to balance it out with some time away from the house and computer. 

Tonight is the open house for the nutrition program.  They send out the first acceptance letters early in June.  Does anyone have some leads on a good scholarship?