Leanna's Winding Path

4 February 2011 – The Silence of Waiting

I typically do not like to burden my friends and loved ones when I’m feeling uncertain.  I almost always deal with the issue internally because I cannot stand the idea of causing anybody any distress.  I feel like if I share my fears or uncertainties, then I am not only giving up my internal strength to fight them, but am also unnecessarily burdening my loved ones with information that they can’t change.

Those of you who have ever been called “strong” know exactly what I’m talking about.  It’s usually a lot easier to handle the hard stuff on your own.  Don’t risk showing or admitting your weaknesses.  It might just mean you really are weak – not equipped to handle the many tasks at hand.

Also, the idea of causing sadness in the minds or hearts of anyone I love is really a difficult pill to swallow.  Everyone has their own lives to contend with; they don’t need my sorrows to fill their heads.  It feels like a very selfish act to share anything that may be less than positive.

Well, I was recently told that I might be selling my friends short.  That you really want to know what is going on, not just the good stuff.  That you are and will be here for me.  That I do not have to face my fears alone.

Please don’t think that I’m morose or weak.  It’s just been a difficult time and waiting for news can sometimes feel like being pushed into an entangling nest of your fears.  It can take some delicate maneuvering to escape the nest.

My doctors are butting heads about my last brain MRI.  The report from the scan noted some signs of growth.  Dr. Hendricks thinks that it is tumor growth.  Dr. Gagnon is not so sure. 

For the Boring Details of the head butting, scroll to the bottom or just skip it.  It doesn’t really matter.  It’s just part of what one goes through during times of uncertainty.  The details may be different, but the story is always the same.  We don’t know what the hell is going on.

Anyhow, coming from this space of uncertainty, they agreed that I should have a PET scan of the brain (which I also had in October).  This scan is supposed to show if I have any areas in my brain that light up – tumor.  It’s only accurate 50% of the time.  It’s a difficult scan to take; you’re mind is supposed to be at rest for about 1.5 hours.  October’s scan looked good, and they are hoping for the same on this one.  I took the scan on Tuesday, and still have not heard from my doctors. 

Right now, I don’t know what my options are if the news is bad.  Dr. Gagnon says that the area that is showing growth should not be retreated.   So here, Herb and I wait.  I probably should call and just ask for the results, but I feel pretty good today, and there is a certain peace in not knowing.   But I’ll call.  It’s just not fair to wait over the weekend.

Also, we lost Bethany last night, who was the first young lady with cancer who I met after my diagnosis.  She wasn’t a close friend, but she was an inspiration and I loved her.  And about one month ago, we lost Elizabeth, and shortly before that, Daryl – all young adults, all to cancer. 

However, my heart and mind are feeling peace and non-resistance right now, and I’m grateful for that.  And I actually feel just fine (no headaches or relentless exhaustion right now).  A deep breath helps to push my mind through painful thoughts and emotions.

Thanks Herb, Jana, Di, and Sarah.  You help me see reason.

[Boring details:  Dr. Hendricks’s logic is that there are only limited reasons why a scan should show growth from one date to another: tumor growth, or post-treatment changes.  My last cyberknife treatments were in July.  No other treatments between my November and January scans, so she is saying that no changes because of treatment brings here to the conclusion that none of us want to hear.  She also doesn’t like that I’m showing symptoms – serious balance issues – and have become steroid dependent – to avoid terrible headaches.

Dr. Gagnon thinks that maybe the actual images of the MRI may not be precisely in the same spot from scan to scan.]