Leanna's Winding Path

1 October 2011 – Who’s that girl

So maybe you have noticed that I haven’t really been posting pictures on the blog.  I like pictures, since they “say a thousand words,” but I’m so upset with the way I look these days that I can’t post a picture of myself.  I look significantly different from the Leanna you know.

I’m about 20 pounds heavier, most of the weight is in my face, boobs, and belly.  Tomorrow, I’m going to Goodwill to buy some fat people clothes for the upcoming winter.  While I’m pretty good at taking most of what is happening in stride, I can’t stop beating myself up about the way I look.  I only spend the time it takes me to brush  my teeth in front of the mirror.  Who is that person?  I don’t know her.  Friends say they can still see me in here, and hear me in my voice.  I don’t want to believe them.  When I see myself, I see a stranger.

Even though I’m totally critical of myself for my body’s transformation, it is not entirely my fault.  In fact, it largely has to do with my steroid dependency.  The steroids make my body retain water.  The classic moon face, camel back, and bulging belly are all caused by the steroids.  In addition, my limited mobility makes it very difficult to get in any real exercise. 

The good news is that we are tapering off the steroids.  I’m down to 1.25 milligrams.  I hope to go down slowly over the next month.   If we are successful, hopefully my body will return to normal by Christmas.

I regularly dream that I’m back to my normal self.  I dream that I look like I used to  and that I can walk or run if I want to.  I don’t need assistance.  I’m independent and free to go or do whatever I want. I always wake up hopeful from these dreams.  Hopefully they are dreams about my future.  I’m working to get there.  Wish me luck.

Thanks,

Leanna