Leanna's Winding Path

31 January 2012 - a fairytale….

Once upon a time there was a girl. Her name was Leanna. On her own path to healing she found herself walking in the woods. Deep in the woods she found a village. It was a lot like snow white stumbling upon the seven dwarfs only the villagers were men and women and not dwarfs. All of these villagers carried some burden. And in her path to healing, Leanna thought she should stay in the village and see if she could help.

So she did. She started using the modalities she knew to treat people in the village. But she didn’t stop with the people. She also treated the animals and plants that were in and surrounded the village. Those in the village were feeling better.

Moods were elevated and wellness seemed high. So much so that word got out in nearby communities, and people started traveling to the village to experience the phenomenon.

Those who came to the village found peace. They thought that those who had been treated seemed very well, even though some were experiencing sickness. They were calm. They supported each other. They were one. They could reach the heaven that was inside of them.

The village visitors also decided that they would seek treatment. When they returned to their communities, they were able to spread this sense of well-being.

Leanna had empowered those she treated. The visitors who returned to their communities could help others on their path to wellness. Feelings of peace and harmony spread throughout the lands.

More and more people could feel this change.  Eventually it spread beyond the woods into the world. People felt better. People felt connected. People felt joy.

Eventually there was a change in the world. There was love and peace where there had been anxiety and strife before. Occasionally people would travel to the village looking for Leanna, but they wouldn’t find her. She had left the village to no one knows where. But behind her she left peace and tranquility and the capability for others to promote love and joy.

She truly did change the world.

7 January 2012 - Love, Peace, Gratitude

  If we can actively live with these three attributes, we will always be well.

28 December 2011-Wait and See

What is it about a week or so since my last post telling you about all of my upcoming doctors appointments. So let me put you up to date.

It all started with some new trouble I was having with my vision and occasional headaches I was having behind my left eye to 2012. It was getting harder for me to see. And my vision often roles kind of like one of those old time films or like I’m really intoxicated.  This makes it difficult to read and leaves me pretty dizzy and even more unstable on my feet. So I was referred to a narrow ophthalmologist. His name was Dr. Goodglick , and he’s one of the only neural ophthalmologist in the area. Anyhow after five-hour appointment, he had nothing to tell me. He recommended I get an MRI and schedule an appointment for a later date so they could review it and maybe get a clearer picture.

So the following Monday I went today get MRI. I visited Dr. Moscowitz the very next day so that he could reset the digital settings on my shunt because apparently it shuts down after being your a strong magnet, of which an MRI certainly qualifies. While we visited him he looked at the MRI and saw that one of the lesions in my brain that was previously untreated had been growing. It was an area that’s behind my left eye. The area where I had been having some headaches the previous month.

So that instigated the slew of doctor appointments the following week. First I saw Dr. Hendrix, which was pretty routine being that I was getting Herceptin. She had the report’s and she said that she them talk about it, and that I should see Dr. Gagnon and go with what he recommends, since he knows more about the brain and is also the radiation doctor.

So on Wednesday I went to see Dr. Gagnon. My appointment with him wasn’t so straightforward, and I found it frustrating. He confirmed the growth of the lesion behind my left eye. But he also mentioned other spots that were either getting larger or enhancing.  These areas are located in the cerebellar region of my brain and have been treated before. It’s because of the dead tissue in this area that I’m having trouble with my balance and coordination. Right now all is too difficult to tell whether it’s more dead tissue he was seeing or if it is tumor. This information cannot be decided with just images. The reason this is sort of a big concern is that I should not have these areas retreated again. It would increase the amount of dead tissue and increase the chances of long lasting effects on my brain. We decided to wait for at least 2 months and get another MRI of the brain. At that point will reevaluate and see if there are areas that need to be treated.

I didn’t take this news very well. Both Herb and I were pretty upset. In fact, I didn’t want to come home, so we went to Firestone and had a nice dinner together. I allowed myself to be sort of angry and complain about the unfairness of it all. Really I only indulged in self-pity that one evening and maybe a little of the next day before I pretty much got over it.

And then my final appointment with Dr. Goodglick was fairly uneventful. At least he was able to tell me that the lesion behind my eye is not likely to be causing me the vision trouble I’ve been having. But unfortunately he wasn’t able to really tell me what was causing it. And he is unable to help me with some of the major vision issues that I’ve been concerned with like the rolling vision and the dizziness. He is having me come back in 2 months with a follow-up MRI and see what he sees then. I’m not expecting much.

So I’m sure that some of this sounds like pretty bad news. But the way I see it is like this. Right after Dr. Moscowitz told us about the lesion growing in my brain, I realized something. I felt exactly same after he told me as I felt before he told me. Physically my symptoms haven’t changed at all. I feel the same, which is pretty good overall. Despite regular fatigue from not sleeping very well (steroids), I’ve been feeling on top of my game.

So please don’t worry about me at this time. My biggest frustration is that I think Who’s That Girl is going to stick around for a long time. I just can’t shake the steroids. And really even that is not so bad. She’s a pretty nice girl. And most of my friends are fully accepting of her. I’m the one that’s mean to her. But I’ll try to be nicer and accept her for who she is.

Thanks for reading this.

Have a happy 2012.

19 December 2011 - Whirlwind Week

This week is going to be crazy. I have three doctors appointments this week. This all started a couple of weeks ago.  I saw a neural ophthalmologist for some vision trouble I was having and he recommended that I get an MRI. So last week I saw Dr. Moscowitz because he had to reset my shunt after the MRI.  Since we had it available, he looked at the MRI and saw that one of the lesions looked larger than before. This tumor was previously untreated, so there is a treatment option…not that I’m very exited about more radiation.  It is post radiation effects that are keeping me on steroids and interfering with my brain communicating with my balance and the use of my hands.

Uh oh. So I guess it’s time for some follow-up.

So today I have my normal appointment with Dr. Hendrix and herceptin. Wednesday I have an appointment with Dr. Gagnon, the cyber knife doctor; he is going to be looking at the MRI to see if I need additional cyber knife treatment. And then Friday I have an appointment with the neural ophthalmologist.  So it looks like it could be stressful, busy week.

On the upside, I was able to take a wonderful restorative yoga class with my dear friend, Helene, last night. It was oh so good.

26 November 2011 – Inspiration

Thanks for being my inspiration.  You keep me wanting to move forward and wanting to push past any misery in my life and focus on the good stuff.  You honor me in so many ways.  Thanks for honoring me by reading what I write.  Thanks for your comments.  Thanks for your visits.  Thanks for your random acts of generosity.  Thanks for everything..

Jay, thank you so much for your caring and for your help getting me back on my feet.  I’m very lucky to have you in my life

My visit with my mom was really nice.  Thanks to everyone who helped to get her out here.

Patrick, I don’t even know you, but you have inspired me in a deep way.  You ran a half marathon and honored me by including me as one of the people you were running for.   You read my blog and you care.  Thank you so much for your letter.  It was very touching.

There are so many people who make me want to keep going.   And sometimes, especially on hard days, I need that boost.  Words cannot properly express my appreciation.

Thank you.  Thank you.

5 November 2011 – November already!

I can’t believe it.  November already.  Where did the year go?

Well it turns out that Who’s That Girl may not be moved out by Christmas.  It turns out that I am addicted to the medicine that requires her presence.  I’ve been trying to wean myself off of this medicine so that Who’s That Girl can go in peace and I won’t be so bitter about her crowding herself into everything I’m doing.  But apparently she does not want to go.  I’ve been on a roll in reducing the medicine very very slowly. I got down to being on only .75mg for over a week.   I thought, “Wow!  This is working.  Maybe she really will be gone by Christmas.”

It turns out that she isn’t really ready to go.  And boy does she become a bully when she notices I’m taking steps to move her out by dropping the steroids either too low or too quickly.  She knocked me out and rendered me incommunicado for most of this last week.  Through some serious bullying, she convinced Herb and I that we should go back up in my medicine dosage.  She was so brutal that she convinced us that we should at least go back up to 1.5mg.  So we did, but secretly we’re plotting clever ways to drop the dosage without her noticing like 1.5mg one day, then 1.25mg the next, then 1.5mg, and so on until we work our way back down.  Hopefully she won’t notice.

Luckily though, I do not have to worry about dressing Who’s That Girl for the winter.  It appears that either people really like me or that they really like her because my burden of finding her clothes forher has been relieved by friends providing us with fun fashionable clothing that fits her.  I already mentioned my friend Rebecca who sent several pairs of pants.  Well, this last Sunday, Jay, a friend who is very dear to my heart took us on a mega-shopping event at Marshalls.  She got her shirts, pants, and shoes.  She even got Who’s That Girl a winter coat.

So we’re all set for the time being.  And I’ll continue to be patient with Who’s That Girl, even if she stays past Christmas.  She’s really not all that bad.  Hopefully I can trick her into leaving by being sneaky in reducing my dosage of medicine.

Oh, and did I mention I have a guest this week and for the next two weeks.  Yep, my mom.  I’m so happy to see her, but as with any mother-daughter relationship, there are some issues that we have.  So this time in my life is truly a trial in patience.  But I’m so lucky to have friends who will help when I get overwhelmed.  Ahh, am I ever grateful.

Thank you all.

Love,

Leanna

18 October 2011 – Back on Track

Hi everybody.

You might know that last spring I thought all of the pieces in my life were falling together.  Things were happening like I was the author writing for them to happen that way.  For instance, take Tai Sophia.  I found out about Tai Sophia through a friend in March.  She encouraged me to get acupuncture there (which turns out to be my favorite alternative therapy so far).  While there, I came across a flier for their new Masters of Nutrition and Integrative Health program.  I looked at it closely and thought, “This is everything I want.  It is science-based.  It will help me make decisions about my own food choices.  And I could help others too!  This could really give my life purpose, an application beyond the co-op”  The application was due April 1^st.  I made the deadline and got accepted for the very first class starting in September.

Wow.  A chance happening upon an awesome school, newly offering an awesome program like it was written for me and just waiting for me to show up!  How awesome is that!?

And that wasn’t all that was falling into place.  It was an amazing time.

And then their was this summer.  Oh, this summer was difficult.  Starting with an emergency trip to the hospital on Memorial Day, I was truly sick.  I didn’t want to admit it though.  I didn’t even recognize that I was really sick until a few weeks ago.  I knew I didn’t feel good, but I still thought I was fine, it would pass.  I was meant to go to Philadelphia, dammit (there are several of you who know exactly what I what I am talking about).

But I wasn’t.

Then I went through this summer.  I’ve had to teach myself how to walk, how to stand, how to write, and how to be fully dependent on others and be humble about it.  It’s a lot tougher to learn that kind of information at the age of 32 than at the age of 2.  Don’t you just love how the young ones can pick things up immediately.   –Please, please, start teaching your children a foreign language while they are still young enough to adsorb it.

So this summer leading into the fall really drug me down into a bit of a depression.  You probably noticed that in some of my posts..

But now, it’s like my life is back on track again.  Or maybe I’m just more accepting of my position.  Whatever it is, I feel so much better.  I am very happy.

I’m having an awesome fall.  I really noticed this the weekend before last after having a wonderfully casual (and beautiful) weekend with local friends who were just happy hanging out.  Oh, it was wonderful.

Well since then, it has felt like a heavy burden has been lifted.  Before, I would have considered myself depressed.  Yep, full on depressed – mopy, withdrawn, and unmotivated.  But now, I feel great!  Thanks girls for helping me to turn it around.  You didn’t even know that you were doing it.  And I’ve had lots of wonderful company since this fall (many from out of town) and will continue to have through Christmas.  I feel amazing now and like my life is back on track.  From this perspective I can look back on this summer and see that it too was part of me moving forward.  I was so sick, but didn’t want to admit it.  But I had some serious healing to do.  My body finally forced me.  The surgery I had was a necessity.  The rest and recovery I’ve had to take was completely necessary.  And somehow, even learning how to be independent within my dependence has been an important lesson too. 

I had to defer my enrollment into the nutrition program because I wasn’t ready.  When I made this decision, I was really devastated, because I didn’t know if I would ever truly be ready.  But I truly believe I’m ready to begin this January and I am so excited.  Having learned some important life lessons and giving my body time to rest and recover this summer and fall is exactly what needed to happen.  Now I can move forward as best I can.

Thank you Universe.  In your infinite wisdom, you have guided my way.

14 October 2011 – A New Insight from the Retreat

Something I learned from the retreat, but didn’t actually process until earlier this week; I am part of a community I hadn’t fathomed.

Being diagnosed at 29, you know I’m part of the community of young adults diagnosed with cancer.  It wasn’t until the retreat weekend that I found I’m also a part of the community facing metastatic disease.

It doesn’t change anything.  It’s just a new awareness. 

Both communities are what I would call underserved when compared to that of the average (what a terrible word to use) cancer patient.  Young adults find themselves asking questions and looking for connections and for people to identify with.  They are looking for advice on how to raise children, pursue a career, or be a part of a normal social scene while juggling a cancer diagnosis.  Resources for such advice is rather sparse.  The community is self aware though, and it’s growing.

However, the metastatic community is not as easy to identify.  While age is easy to approximate with the eyes, stage of disease is impossible to guess unless you are told by the patient or someone else who knows the diagnosis.  There is also way fewer studies for and talk about people with metastatic disease.  Apparently, this is based on the morbid truth that a metastatic diagnosis means used to mean almost certain near-term death, but it turns out this is changing too.  Medicines are being created to extend the life of those with metastases.  More articles are being written.  More support groups are developing.  Yet still, the voice of the metastatic cancer community is muted.  To find resources specific to metastatic cancer, I would have to do some research, as opposed to other resources that inundate your doctors’ offices and your inboxes for the “normal” cancer diagnosis.

This is interesting to me.  I had no idea I was part of this community likely to die before other people diagnosed with cancer.  Now I do.  It doesn’t worry me though.  I’ll just keep on living the best that I can until I can’t.  That seems like the most rational course of action to me. 

13 October 2011 – Shady Grove’s Breast Cancer Awareness Event

It turned out beautifully.  You should have seen the finger labyrinths we had printed.  They turned out so well.  I was very proud of what Jan and I accomplished.

I was able to set up my little station by some dear reiki friends.  It was awesome because one of them gave me a  mini chair reiki treatment for like 30 minutes during the awards ceremony.  Ah that felt good!

Unfortunately, I couldn’t stay the whole time.  I had to leave at about 7:30.  So I didn’t get to talk to nearly as many people as I had hoped.  But I did get to talk to some. 

I had a blurb written and printed on the back of the finger labyrinths we were giving away.  This is what it said:

The Labyrinth

Its history.

The basic design of the labyrinth is over 4,500 years old.  Various designs have been discovered on every continent in the world.  For example, the labyrinth on the opposite side of this document is known as the Chartes labyrinth, discovered in the Chartes Cathedral, just south of Paris, France.  Labyrinths evolved in several cultures prior to global travel, suggesting that the pattern was divinely inspired by a universal consciousness.

The labyrinth is not a maze; it has no tricks, no dead ends, and no cul-de-sacs.  It has a single, well-defined path that leads to the center.  It has been used by most religions throughout history.  It is now frequently used as a spiritual tool.

Use of the labyrinth in my life.

When I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer, a friend advised me to find a positive image to focus on through my journey.  As I had spent over 10 years working with it, I quickly decided the labyrinth would be my positive image. 

I see the labyrinth as a symbol for my life.  I see the path of the labyrinth as representing my life’s path; full of unexpected twists and turns.  Sometimes it seems like I’m lost, but I only have one life’s path and it leads to the center.  Working with the labyrinth in this capacity allows me to feel more confident in making decisions regarding my path to wellness.  I see the center of the labyrinth representing my center – the wholeness that is me, my source, my essence.  No matter where my life path takes me, I know that at my core, I am still me, and the labyrinth represents this perfectly.  The labyrinth cultivates a stillness and peacefulness inside of me.  It is a place I use to heal.

Other ways to use the labyrinth.

There are many ways to explore the labyrinth.  One way is to think of it as a metaphor for life.  Many experiences within the labyrinth can be applied to life.  Just pay attention while you are in the labyrinth.   How might the situation apply to your life?

One can also use the labyrinth as a meditative tool to calm and focus the mind.

Another way to experience the labyrinth is as a pilgrimage. For example, during medieval times, the labyrinth served as a surrogate for a pilgrimage.  The path inward represented the journey to the holy place where issues could come up and be released and where spiritual and life questions­ could become more defined.   The center represented the destination or the holy place where one could receive wisdom and insight.  The path out of the labyrinth, which is the same as the path in, served as a chance where the pilgrim could integrate the wisdom received in the center into their lives.

A suggestion for you to use the labyrinth.

Upon entering the labyrinth, calm your breathing.  Pray or ask a question if you feel moved to do so.  Use your finger to trace the path from the outside opening to the center.  Within the center, feel free to stay there as long as it feels right, releasing any prayer or question from your mind.  When ready to leave the center, retrace the path back out.  Upon leaving the labyrinth, consider offering thanks for the experience.  Also consider journaling about your experience.  Often experiences in the labyrinth will lead to insights you’ll want to recall later in life.

Where to find walkable labyrinths.

www.labyrinthlocator.com

10 Oct 2011 – Shady Grove

October is of course Breast Cancer Awareness Week.  And tomorrow, Shady Grove Hospital is hosting a Breast Cancer Awareness Event. 

Well, you may remember that I stayed at Shady Grove when I had my minor little brain surgery.  Well that’s where I met Jan Papirmeister.  Jan Papirmeister , Cancer Care Navigator for Shady Grove, is a wonderfully enthusiastic woman.  I used the time that we talked as an opportunity to share with her some information about the labyrinth.  Many of you know that it has been one of my dreams to get labyrinths into health care facilities throughout the country.  I think the labyrinth would help not only patients, but also those who are concerned about the patients too.

Well, Jan loved the idea of the labyrinth.  She really loved my story and my work with the labyrinth and the thought of how she might be able to bring the tool to Shady Grove.  Shady Grove is at the very begi_­nning of planning the construction of a new cancer care unit.  So she was even talking about the possibility that they might be able to build one, although that decision is still in the distant future.

In the meantime, we thought that finger labyrinths could be used at Shady Grove.  If they were vinyl or laminated, they could be sanitized between patients.  It was an exciting and simple concept.  But then Jan started contemplating including the labyrinth in the bags they were going to give away at the Breast Cancer Awareness Event.

She asked me to choose the labyrinth pattern and to write something about it.  I did, and I’m pretty proud of it.  Apparently she had them printed on 12x12 pastel cardstock.  It was not so simple to settle on printing on the cardstock.  It took a good deal of searching for a place that could print a 12x12 page.  We finally found a place and we have printed 100 for the event. 

I’m going to go to the event and answer any questions about the labyrinth.  I’m so excited about this opportunity.  I hope that it touches some people’s hearts.  I know it certainly has touched mine.

8 October 2011 – Who’s That Girl has an admirer

Guess what I got today.  A box in the mail filled with PANTS for Who’s That Girl!  Yay! 

Wow!   How awesome.  Rebecca, you’ve really eliminated the stress I was under to find her warm pants.  You were also very intuitive about the sizing.  Thank you, thank you.  You are too sweet.

7 October 2011 – Mom in Maryland?

Yep.  You heard right.  My mom is coming to good ol’ MerryLand.

Some of you may be surprised to know that I haven’t seen my mom since my cancer diagnosis.  That was over 3 years ago.

This may seem shocking to you, but you have to understand that my mom lives in Missouri, and I in Maryland.  It is an 18-hour drive.  The plane ticket would be over $300. 

She lacks the resources, and I to lack the resources after I consider the other fun opportunities I have to spend them on.  Usually it’s something more exciting than a trip to Missouri.  Of course, I wait until I literally can’t travel, so for me to see her, she must come visit me.

Well, some of my friends heard mention that I hadn’t seen Mom since I was diagnosed and that I would like to see her.  These friends told their friends this heart-wrenching story.  Poor girl they said.  Let’s help her.  Well then they told their friends who told their friends until  six billionmilliongaziillion people knew my sad, sad story.  And then all those who had heard my story (which was pretty much all the people in the world) decided that collectively, they could help.

Do you people realize what I’m saying?  I was able to bring nations together with my story.  In this moment of peace, they all agreed together to help me.  Wow.

So they decided that if they split the ticket six BMG ways then the cost of the ticket is less than a nice bottle of wine.  So lets do it they say.

And they do.

After all of the details were sorted, it was decided.  My mom will be here November 2 through November 16.  Oh are you in for some interesting posts then.  Two full weeks that I will be hangin’ with my mom.  It’s going to be interesting, I tell ya.  But it will be really awesome too.  I can’t believe how much I’m actually looking forward to it.  My heart nearly bursts with excitement.

So I would like to say thank you to the world for coming together and putting your cultural differences aside even though you don’t know each other and  purchasing my mom a ticket to come see me.  And an especially big thank you to my special and loving friends who truly made this happen.

I love you all.

Leanna